KIDS KORNER! – Three Reviews in One – The Minecraft Movie, Dog Man, and Sonic 3...Plus - Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin!!
/**THESE ARE SPOILER FREE REVIEW!! THESE REVIEWS CONTAIN ZERO SPOILERS!!**
A Minecraft Movie: 2.5 stars – STREAM IT
Dog Man: 2 stars – SKIP IT/STREAM IT
Sonic 3: 2.75 stars – STREAM IT
As the father of a young child, I watch a good deal of movies geared toward children, and I have never written a review of these movies because kids don’t read my stunningly sophisticated screeds.
But you know who might read my film diatribes? Parents. So, I figured since we are in a pretty deep drought in terms of new quality cinema for me to write about, why not write about some of the kid’s movies I’ve seen in recent months in theatres.
Years ago, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait did a bit about the biggest change that occurs in your life after having children is that you now watch a cavalcade of inanely shitty movies and tv shows…which is a spot-on observation. It’s even worse now as there is so much content, and so much of it is dogshit, that when something is even remotely average it feels like you’re watching Citizen Kane.
That said, it is a lot of fun to watch a movie with your child and watch them watch it. Seeing your child just get lost in a story and laugh and enjoy themselves is heaven. Of course, when you’re watching the screen and not your child, it feels like hell.
That said, there is something very freeing about watching a piece of corporate IP entertainment that is so alien to you that you feel like you’re watching a foreign film from a country you didn’t know existed after having been lobotomized. It triggers a level of dissociation and detachment that feels either like a weird Buddhist accomplishment or a psychotic nervous breakdown.
For example, let’s start with the most recent movie, A Minecraft Movie, which has been an absolute blockbuster at the box office since it hit theatres on April 4th, hauling in $550 million in its first two weeks of release.
The film is based on the video game Minecraft, and is directed by Jared Hess and written by half a dozen writers I’ve never heard of. The film stars Jack Black, Jason Mamoa, Danielle Brooks and Emma Myers and features a supporting performance from Jennifer Coolidge.
I am not a gamer so I’ve never played Minecraft. We restrict our son’s video game time pretty tightly, but he does play video games and Minecraft is one of the games he plays….so I’ve heard about the game and get the basic gist of it.
A Minecraft Movie has a plot…but it makes absolutely zero sense to me. I didn’t understand it and didn’t really want to understand it. Jack Black plays a guy named Steve who is stuck in the Minecraft world, and Jason Mamoa plays Garrett, a guy who in his youth was a world champion video game player but is now a rudderless loser.
Then there’s Sebastian Hansen who plays Henry, a new kid in school in a small town, and his older sister, Natalie played by Emma Myers,who is taking care of him because their mom died.
I don’t know what else to say about the plot except the story really takes place in Minecraft world and there’s an evil pig, and skeletons and zombies and weird villagers.
The movie follows a familiar kid movie formula in that it gets a funny man to lead the festivities, in this case Jack Black, who will appeal to parents, and places them in a world that will appeal to kids.
Is A Minecraft Movie good? No, it’s not. Is it at least tolerable? Yes, it is. It has some funny moments in it. Jack Black does Jack Black things, Jason Mamoa does Jason Mamoa things, Jennifer Coolidge does Jennifer Coolidge things, and Emma Myers is cute and easy on the eyes, so…mission accomplished.
Will kids love it? Well, my kid did…as did every other kid and twenty something in the theatre when I saw it…so I guess so. It’s a perfect movie to watch with your child when it hits streaming.
The next movie is Dog Man, an animated film based on the very popular Dav Pilkey book series of the same name.
Dog Man, which is written and directed by Peter Hastings, hit theatres on January 31st, and was a moderate success at the box office, garnering $137 million on a $40 million budget.
We’ve been reading Dog Man books with my son for quite a while. He really enjoys them and I find them to be extremely clever and amusing, so when we saw they were making a Dog Man movie we were pretty psyched.
We went and saw Dog Man opening day and I have to say, it was pretty disappointing. The film tries to capture the unique energy of the books, but doesn’t quite get there, and the end result is a rather frenetic and frustrating viewing experience.
The film is not as clever as the books, or as engaging, and I have to say the film lacks the heart and soul that the books radiate. It all feels so second-rate and so flimsy that it was impossible to walk out of the theatre feeling great.
My son loved it because he loves Dog Man and he loved seeing it come to life, but the movie was much too thrown together and sloppy for me to really appreciate on any level.
If you stream it and watch it with your kids, you’ll probably end up looking at your phone three quarters of the time.
The final film is Sonic 3, which hit theatres on December 20, 2024. The film, directed by Jeff Fowler, stars Jim Carrey, Krysten Ritter, James Marsden and Ben Shwartz and is based on the video game of the same name.
I was at a great disadvantage when watching Sonic 3 because I had not seen Sonic 1 or 2…or at least I didn’t remember seeing Sonic 1 or 2. Although I do have a Sonic story to tell.
Back in the 1990’s, I worked at a Sonic competition at the Hard Rock Café in Boston. There were all these contestants playing Sonic against each other on giant screen tv’s, and the winner got some monetary prize.
All I did was stand there (I was security) and bullshit with my friends. I remember this gig because I worked it with the great Boston stage actor Doug Marsden, and he and I were busting balls and cracking jokes the entire time. The sight of Doug, who was a very intense presence (he was like the Harvey Keitel of the Boston stage), yelling passionately at the tv screens “look out for the sticky shit!!” while nerdy twenty-somethings were competing against one another, made me laugh as hard as anything in my life.
The highlight of the day came at the end when the women running the event gave me a free Sega video game console…which to a broke young dude like me was like being gifted pure gold.
Anyway…that is all I know of Sonic.
My son has seen all the Sonic movies and was psyched for the new one, so since it came out on the last day of school before Christmas break, we played hooky and went and saw the movie.
Watching Sonic was like an out of body experience for me. I was so clueless as to what was going on, and who everybody was, it disoriented me to such a great extent I felt like I was undergoing some sort of mind-altering psychiatric treatment.
I could not even begin to recount the plot of this film, or anything that happened in it. I do remember Jim Carrey was there and he was doing a lot of Jim Carrey things. In fact, Jim Carrey has duel roles in the film, neither of which I fully comprehended…but I was aware that it was Jim Carrey times two….which is an awful lot of Jim Carrey.
There were some moments that made me laugh but for the life of me I cannot remember them now. I vaguely remember Jim Carrey doing some odd dance sequence with himself.
My son loved the movie…as did the entirety of the packed theatre where I watched it. When certain reveals occurred, none of which I understood, there were twenty-somethings in my screening who went absolutely apeshit. They were losing their minds over this movie.
The audience excitement over the film made the movie-watching experience fun, as did my son’s giddy response to the movie.
It seems to me that Sonic 3, which is now streaming on Paramount+, is a movie that kids will thoroughly enjoy and parents can tolerate…which is a perfect combo.
In closing, I do have some parenting advice. As awful as some kid’s movies are…there are some quality choices in movies that you can make which will not only entertain you and your children, but also give them a decent history of cinema.
For example, my son and I love to watch Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and Harold Lloyd movies. One of my proudest moments was when my son told people his all-time favorite movie was Buster Keaton’s The General…and when he chose all on his own to be Charlie Chaplin’s Tramp character for Halloween (and he was awesome at it!!).
The Chaplin films are a goldmine because they are heartfelt and also funny. Keaton is a treasure trove because his stunt work is so exquisite as to be unbelievable. And Harold Lloyd is a hidden gem for his breathtaking stunt work.
These films are great to watch with kids because they work on multiple levels, the first being physical comedy, and kids love physical comedy. Secondly, they are sweet in nature, and third, there isn’t much dialogue, and so even if your child can’t read, you can read the dialogue to them and it becomes an interactive experience and dare it say it…teaching moment.
Anyway…here are a few classic movies to watch with your kids that will keep them thoroughly entertained.
Harold Lloyd – Safety Last!
Buster Keaton – The General, Sherlock Jr., Steamboat Bill Jr., The Navigator.
Charlie Chaplin – The Kid, Modern Times, City Lights, The Gold Rush, The Circus.
Alright, that’s all I got folks. Whether you are young or old, with children or without, I recommend all of these silent classics…and I wish you luck navigating the modern maze of children’s entertainment which is a minefield with movies like A Minecraft Movie, Dog Man and Sonic 3.
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